


Lost Time

by anastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Future Fic, M/M, Not Really Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2018-01-18 22:42:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1445521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastiel/pseuds/anastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is lying on his death bed and his dying wish is to see his angel just one last time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost Time

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic awhile ago and forgot to post it. Oops. Anyway, I know it says major character death, but the end is really up to interpretation. You will understand what I mean when you get there.

Lawrence, Kansas, September 2043

It’s fitting Dean thinks, that he will die in the autumn,  all the bright flowers and plants turning to golden browns and grey. He will wither away with the leaves, growing weak and slowly dying. He never thought he would die like this, warm, in a bed, in the town where he was born with Sammy at his side. He never suspected he would get this lucky. That is if you call dying from pneumonia lucky.  He wasn’t afraid to die, he’d died enough times already that the process was almost peaceful. Dean was thankful that at least he wasn’t laying on the cold hard ground in the middle of nowhere, blood gushing out of him or something. Many people would be upset to be dying so young, but Dean didn’t want to grow old, not really old that is.  He’d saved a lot of people’s lives in his time, that was definitely something to be proud of.

The past thirty years has passed by in a whirlwind. Sam quit hunting in 2014 and became a full time men of letters, helping his brother out whenever he could. He missed the life at times, but once he got married a few years later to a beautiful, sweet girl from Ohio, he realized how happy he was to finally be normal, for once. Sam and his wife had a little girl five years later,  and at first he was a little wary about  having children, but Dean persuaded him otherwise. Dean of course, was right and little Mary Deanna Winchester was a darling child who loved her daddy, momma and Uncle Dean very much.

Sam felt bad at times for leaving Dean to hunt by himself, but he figured that Dean needed to hunt on his own, it was the only way Dean allowed his emotions to come out anymore. Spurts of anger that he took out on whatever monster of the week he was hunting. Thankfully, Dean had quit suicide hunts many years ago. He wasn’t happy, but he was functional. Well, functional for a hunter. As a human being, the man Sam knew as his brother had disappeared a long time ago.

Castiel left Dean’s life forever in the spring of 2014. It wasn’t because of a fight or some unearthly force pulling them apart. No, their fallout was caused by an explosion of suppressed emotions finally coming to life that had the two of them in an alleyway, pressed up against each other, and Dean desperately kissing Cas like his life depended on it.

_“Cas... I can’t do this!”_

_“What do you mean, Dean? I... I thought you wanted this.”_

_“I... I do, but that’s not the point. I just... I can’t.“_

_“What are you so scared of?”_

_“I fucking love you okay? But I’m gonna fuck up all of this up like I always do and you’re gonna regret losing everything for me and leave. I can’t handle that. I can’t lose you, but I can’t not love you either. Maybe it would be better if you just left for good.”_

_“You don’t mean that.”_

_“Yeah I do.”_

_“Dean, please... If it doesn’t work-_

_“What? We’ll just go back to the way it used to be. That might work with other people, but not us. We aren’t like other people Cas. What we have is a hell of a lot more than just a relationship, so you know, you should just go, so I don’t cause you anymore pain.”_

_“No.”_

_“Cas, please.”_

_“I will not leave you, not after everything.”_

_“You’ll do whatever I ask right?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“Leave.”_

_“No, I love you.”_

_“Cas...”_

_“You love me. I know you do, Dean...”_

_“Would it be easier for you if I didn’t?”_

_“Dean...”_

_“I don’t love you.”_

_“Dean, stop, you don’t mean it.”_

_“Yes, I do.”_

_“No, stop saying that!”_

_“Just leave me.”_

_“Is that what you really want?”_

_“Yes, it’s better for both of us.”_

_“No.”_

_“Cas.... just... go, please.”_

_“Goodbye Dean.”_

With a flutter of wings and bells Cas was gone. Dean fell to his knees, his head in his hands, crying harder than he had in a long time. He didn’t want Cas to leave, the angel was the fucking love of his life, but he had no choice. It’s better this way, it’s better he told himself over and over again until the phrase stuck.

Dean still misses him, every day. He regrets his decision, every minute of every day. Sometimes he wishes he could pray to Cas, ask him to come back, but he has no right. He asked him to leave. Sam knows that in these final days of Dean’s life, he is thinking about everything that happened even more, even though it has been thirty years. In the late afternoon of September 20th, a golden sunset shining through Dean’s window, Sam tells Dean that he will be gone for a few hours, to get some groceries and dinner. Dean knows Sam’s really giving him time alone and he doesn’t protest, he needs it. There is one last thing he needs to do before he let’s go. He takes in a slow, heavy breath, clasps his hands together, closes his eyes and begins.

“Hey Cas... I don’t even know if you can still hear me or if you care but what the hell, it’s worth a shot. I know it’s been thirty years since I’ve talked to you and... I’m so fucking sorry. I have no right to even be praying to you after what I said. But I’m dying, I’ll be gone soon, so I need to tell you how sorry I am that I said what I said to you all those years ago. I didn’t mean it, not a single word. I guess I was afraid, afraid of losing you, afraid of loving someone so much that I would do anything for you, afraid of being loved. I don’t know, but I was a dumbass, a stupid fucking dumbass. I didn’t deserve to have you anyway, I never did... But I guess I just want you to know that, well... I loved you then and I love you now.” Dean pauses.

Taking in a deep breath, he continues.

“I miss you, all the time. I wish I wouldn’t have been a chicken shit and just let myself fall even more in love with you. It’s what I wanted, you’re what I’ve always wanted, but I.... I couldn’t. I couldn’t make you give up more for me, when you’d already given up so much. I’m sorry Cas, I am so fucking sorry. I know I broke your heart and I can never forgive myself for that. I’m sure you haven’t forgive me and I shouldn’t ask you this, I’ve got no right to, but... I’d like to see you one last time, before I die. I get it if you don’t want to, completely and I don’t blame you if you don’t but... if you do, I’d really like that. I’ll go now but..  I love you, Cas.”

Dean exhales and closes his eyes. He feels a sense of peace settle over his body, it’s time. It’s probably better that Sam isn’t here to see him die, it’s easier for the both of them. His chest rises and falls slowly and he listens to the sound of his last few breaths. When the bells chime and he hears the glorious sound of flapping wings, Dean thinks he’s imagining it. He doesn’t dare open his eyes, he’s too scared it’s a dream. Then that voice comes, oh that voice he missed so much and he feels his soul awaken and soar.

“Hello, Dean.”

He smiles softly and opens his eyes to see Castiel standing at the foot of his bed, still wearing that dumb trenchcoat and backwards tie.

“Hey Cas.”


End file.
